Pre-inducing Fears
Originally Published Date:
May 26, 2010
So, Kelly and I went to the doctors today with the hopes that she was close enough that they would send us over to the hospital and await a visit from the stork. But she is just not ready yet. He said that he is going to try to induce her tomorrow and hope for the best.
Usually when we go to the doctor’s office, it is a fun joking matter. Some of the things said in those exam rooms, you would be surprised about. I guess that is why we love our doctor so much. He makes you feel like he is a part of your family from the get go.
But this time the demeanor changed a bit. He got a bit more serious. And I got a bit more scared.
As a kid I remember a song by Tim McGraw called “Don’t Take The Girl”. In the beginning the main character is 8 years old and going fishing with his father. His father wanted to take a friend of his son’s. And his son begs him to take any of the boys he plays with but don’t take the girl. In the second verse the boy and girl are now 18 and are dating. When a mugger holds them up with a gun, he begs the man to take anything he has just don’t take the girl. Then the final verse:
“Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Five years down the road
There's going to be a little one and she says it's time to go
Doctor says the baby's fine but you'll have to leave
'Cause his momma's fading fast and Johnny hit his knees and there he prayed
Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God, please don't take the girl “
Well needless to say, this song has been playing in the back of my mind for a while now. But as we get closer and closer, it plays more frequently. Kelly has enough pressure on her and has her own worries. Every time I see her crying and worrying about the delivery, I take her by the hand and assure her that everything will be fine. Sometimes she hates me so much because I seem not to get upset. It’s not that I don’t get upset, it’s that I try not to show it so that I can be strong for her. If she sees that I am upset then she is liable to get upset too and that doesn’t help anyone.
So, after our doctor’s appointment I was contemplating whether or not to go and tell my mother the latest news in person or over the phone. The reason for the debate is because she is the only one in the world that I can’t hold it together in front of. I told her over the phone and talked to her in person but while on the phone I was struggling not to let go.
Then I called my sister, Trina, tonight to let her in on the latest news. First words out of my mouth were “calm down we are NOT on the way to the hospital yet”. But it turns out that her bet on the baby pool was that Kelly would deliver tonight. As I talked to Trina, Kelly was sitting here and, again I was struggling to hold back all my fears. Then I picked up the phone and started texting to Trina and I slowly began to let go. Trina said something I really needed to hear. She said “Nana is handing her to you, she will be fine”.
For those of you who may not know about Nana, I will attempt to briefly fill you in. Nana was my grandmother on my mother’s side. It was always Nana & Pop. They were always together for over 60 years. In fact, Pop married Nana and three days later he was off to Pearl Harbor to repair ships after the bombing for 3 years. Upon his return, they never left each other side. My mother and father lived with them for 11 years and 5 of those years, I was around. Nana and I were thick as thieves. I remember sneaking into her room after mom put me to bed to watch All In The Family together. There was nothing you could say or do against me that Nana wouldn’t instantly come to my defense. Nana had passed on a few years ago and I have never been able to come to terms with it. I miss her every day and I wish that she was here to see me settled down. She never got to see me get married and now I wish she could see my daughter when she is born.
My brother-in-law passed away a week after our wedding. He was quite the hell raiser but we still feel his presence all the time. In a later blog I will have to explain the reason that to this very day, Ryan is the only one allowed to call me Cupcake.
But I think Trina is right. I think the reason our daughter has not come out yet is because between Nana and Ryan, they are giving her an earful.
But with all this fear and anxiety, I have no one to sit and talk about it with right now. After the fact, yes, I will sit with Kelly and tell her all of this. But for now, I must remain strong and not let on that I am just as scared, if not, more so than she is. She has done this before. I have not. Yes, I am a father, but I skipped the infant-toddler years and went right to a 5-year old. A beautiful 5-year old who, in Kelly’s words, I have ruined. I ruined her by teaching her about The Beatles and Cowboy Mouth. Sometimes when it is just me and my daughter, Brianna, in the car and we are listening to a live Cowboy Mouth album, she screams “Let It Go” louder and with more energy than I do. Kelly said that our new daughter is all hers to ruin with Def Leppard but I will make sure that does not happen.
Well, I actually feel better that I let all this out. Sometimes I feel that I can open up more when I am typing (whether it is texting or on the computer) than I can in real life. I don’t know why. It is a funny thing really.
With no other way to end this, I will simply say, until next time, thanks for reading.
~~~~~~~~~~
Post Script:
~~~~~~~~~~
When I was writing this, it was all done on my cell phone. Live Journal was new to me and I was not sure how to work it correctly. Here I am, 11 years later and working on archiving my articles and prepping them for re-release. For the first time, I noticed a comment on this blog entry.
“just a few things...
if she has a birthmark, that is where nana kissed her before she handed her to you and Kelly.
no one is ruined by The Beatles.
you are good man and will be a wonderful father to your infant daughter. I know you have your sisters and mother, but please don't hesitate if you need me I'm around the corner.
and it's not a funny thing, really, because I'm the same way with 'writing', which in these highfalutin computerized times has become 'typing' 😊
I will be thinking about both of you. "
mrs_gervasio”
Unfortunately, I do not remember anyone by this name. I wish I knew who this was so I could thank her. Those words were just what I needed to hear.
~~~~~~~~~~
©2010 ©2022 Grazie Santangelo. All Rights Reserved
